*Note: This is not actual advice. The “awesomeness” produced by following these tips is subject to debate.
First off, if you’re on the bad to average end of the spectrum of karaoke performers, make sure you’re performing in a country (read: Asia, or scattered Japan/Chinatowns around the world) where karaoke is taken very seriously and people hone their skills with the discipline of David honing his basketball-dribbling skills in Prometheus. I’m talking about cities where people go from the office to the karaoke lounge to practice singing for four hours on a Tuesday night. Sober. This ensures that, because of the relative skill level of the performers around you, your questionable skill level will seem higher. A rising tide lifts all boats. That’s how it works, right?
Taking this a step further, once you’re at the karaoke lounge, make sure that the person who goes before you is very, very good. I’m talking so good they sing a Cranberries song and absolutely kill with it. Set that bar nice and high.
When it comes time to choose a song, make sure that you have a songbook that’s at least four years old, so it contains no current Top 40 hits (which, I am only slightly ashamed to say, is among my favorite genres of music). It also helps if you have an impatient and easily bored personality, so that you only make it to the “B” section of titles before you decide that you absolutely can’t read through this stuff anymore and settle on a song.
To ensure optimum awesomeness, make sure that the song itself fulfills a minimum of 3 of the following 5 criteria:
1) Is at least slightly out of your vocal range. Doesn’t matter much if it’s too high or too low. Both are equally if differently ridiculous.
2) Contains a prolonged section of very fast lyrics and/or a rap interlude, which you do not have even remotely memorized.
3) Is a duet, where you kind of think you know which parts are your parts, but couldn’t really say for absolutely sure.
4) Has a non-vocal musical interlude. Swaying awkwardly and staring at the monitor really boosts performance value.
5) Was not necessarily a universally-beloved hit. Bonus points if it approached Nickelback-stature of non-acceptance.
My song of choice, “Bring Me to Life” by Evanescence, hit #1, #2, #3, and #5, so I felt like I was good to go.
In terms of preparation, make sure you’ve been drinking for at least four hours, preferable a mix of dehydrating liquors and cloyingly sweet cocktails. It helps if your most recent drink was a double of “whiskey” likely produced in the karaoke bar’s basement and tinted with brown food coloring so that it looks uncannily like real whiskey. Make sure you’ve drank no water recently to lubricate your throat. That only dilutes the awesomeness about to come out. For bonus points, you should be wearing something that requires frequent adjustment, like a very wide-neck, off-the shoulder mini-dress. Wardrobe malfunctions, after all, are the way to superstardom!!
Oh, lastly, it also helps if you and/or your party already stand out as freaks in the venue. One way to do this is to go into a locals-only Jakarta bar with two blonde-haired white men, both of whom are over 6’5″ and have not exactly had their inhibitions raised by the aforementioned “whiskey”, which may have been triples for them.
Once you’ve taken the above preparations, the hard work is done and nothing but Karaoke Awesomeness awaits. So frolic to the stage, dear starlet-in-waiting, grab the microphone and send the words “Wait, does this work?” reverberating through the club, and then unleash the untapped talent that bubbles, geyser-like, beneath the surface.
*Note: I will refrain from going into the specifics of my personal karaoke performance, because I love karaoke deeply and have found that reflecting upon past performances has a high likelihood of convincing me to never do karaoke again. This is a joy I cannot give up, and so I prefer to block out all memory of previous performances as soon as they are finished. If you are very curious and have a lot of time on your hands to track it down, I will tell you that one of the tall white guys who accompanied me may potentially have a video of the debacle. I can’t say for certain, because I have not seen it and never will.
Related articles
- Noiseless Karaoke for Aspiring Singers with Bad Voices (weirdasianews.com)
- Get the Crowd Going with These Karaoke Songs (apartmentguide.com)
Journals + Jackfruit 